


It's All Just Conjecture and Gloom

by romeoandjulietyouwish



Series: Lis Writes Mighty Nein [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Caleb Widogast Has Issues, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Men Crying, Mighty Nein as Family, Nott | Veth Brenatto & Caleb Widogast Friendship, Protective Beauregard Lionett, Protective Nott | Veth Brenatto, Sad Caleb Widogast, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:53:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27141370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romeoandjulietyouwish/pseuds/romeoandjulietyouwish
Summary: Caleb gets hit with a spell that renders him speechless, bringing old fears and insecurities to light.
Relationships: Nott | Veth Brenatto & Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Caleb Widogast
Series: Lis Writes Mighty Nein [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026874
Comments: 7
Kudos: 197





	It's All Just Conjecture and Gloom

They’re fighting in a cave, it’s always caves. This time it’s not a pack of gnolls or goblins or anything like that, instead, it’s three sorcerers commanding an army of undead people. All in all, it’s going about as well as any fight goes for them. Quite a few of them are beat up and bleeding, but as of right now they’re all still standing. 

Caleb is facing off with one of the sorcerers, they have a hood pulled low over their eyes and wear very dramatic dark red capes. As Caleb reaches for some of his spell components, a cold pulse of energy hits him square in the chest. 

It quickly spreads up into his neck and head. But he shakes it off, feeling no immediate effect. He starts to cast a fireball, but as Caleb opens his mouth to try to utter the familiar words, nothing comes out. His voice doesn’t produce a sound. He tries again. Nothing. With panicked eyes, he looks to Nott as she shoots an arrow through the skull of his assailant. 

“What’s wrong, Caleb?” She asks quickly, skidding over to him. He shakes his head, opening and closing his mouth with no sound. He doesn’t know if she understands the message, but she shoves him towards the mouth of the cave. “Get out of here!” He does as she says, running as fast as he can pass Beau and Jester as they fight back to back. He sees Fjord cast a worried look after him, but Caleb can’t stop running. 

That goddamn sorcerer must have cast a spell, rendering him mute.

Panic thrums through Caleb’s veins, without his spells he’s defenseless. Useless.

Outside of the cave, he takes a sharp left, nearly face planting in his haste. He doesn’t go far, just so that he’s no longer visible from the mouth of the cave. He presses his back up against the cold stone and Caleb slides down the wall, his shaking hands curling protectively over his head and neck. 

He squeezes his eyes shut and tries again to make a sound, just a single word. Nothing. He tries again and again, with the same results every time. He knows this is probably just a temporary spell that will last for a few hours at most, but he can’t help but think what if. What if it’s permanent and not even Jester or Caduceus’s magic can heal it?

He’d be useless. What’s a wizard without a voice to cast spells? Nothing. Worthless. The Mighty Nein would leave him, he’s certain of that fact. They have no reason to keep around a voiceless, broken man. He wouldn’t hold it against them. It would be the right thing to do. Their lives are already dangerous enough without a load of deadweight.

In the back of his mind, he can hear a voice so awfully familiar. The voice is cruel and harsh, telling him over and over again that he’s useless, a waste of space. 

_The other’s managed this spell months ago, Bren, why are you so useless?_

_You were supposed to be a prodigy._

Caleb doesn’t recognize that he’s crying until hot tears fall onto his knees where they’re curled up against his chest. He’s trembling. He can’t hear anything besides his ragged breathing and his heart thumping in his ears. 

Caleb tugs sharply on the ends of his hair, forcing the pain to ground him. He gulps down air like Caduceus and Nott have taught him.

Then he hears something, feet crunching in leaves. His head snaps up to see Nott approaching him, the others trailing slightly behind, all wearing concerned looks and adorned with more than a few bloody wounds. Caleb keeps his eyes on the goblin as she steps closer to him and kneels down in front of him. 

“Caleb?” She asks, her voice that same motherly, caring tone she uses when he’s hurt. “I’m not going to hurt you.” He opens his mouth to tell her that he knows that, but still nothing. Nott frowns, “Can you talk?” He shakes his head. “Okay, I’m going to bring Caduceus over to check it out. Is that okay?” He nods, he doesn’t have much of a choice right now.

Nott gestures for Caduceus to come over. The firbolg kneels down in front of him as well. Caduceus smiles at him comfortingly and lifts his hand up in front of Caleb’s chest. As Caduceus closes his eyes, Caleb feels a warm pulse of energy in his chest that spreads through his whole body, leaving a tingly feeling in the tips of his fingers.

“Try that,” Caduceus says, opening his eyes. Caleb sits up a little and opens his mouth to say Nott’s name. Nothing. He tries again. Nothing. His eyes widen in fear. It didn’t work.

Nott catches his hand before he can panic too much, “Okay, it’s okay, Caleb. We’ll figure this out.” He nods, he trusts her.

Caduceus looks him over, tipping his head to one side, “Hmm. Maybe it wasn’t a high enough spell.” He sighs, “But I’m afraid that’s the best I can do today.” He looks over at Jester who just shakes her head sadly.

Caleb reaches out and snags Caduceus’s hand, giving it a squeeze. He tries to convey that it’s alright, even though he feels the exact opposite of that. His heart is racing in his chest, loud enough that he’s sure Caduceus must hear it. But the firbolg just helps him to his feet, squeezing his shoulder comfortingly. 

“Come on,” Caduceus says as Nott takes his hand. “Let’s make camp for tonight.”

They walk a little further away from the cave, Caleb and Nott at the back of the pack. He keeps his head down, hoping that they will all just forget about him, pretend he’s not there. He doesn’t need them focusing on how weak he is. 

While they walk, Nott stays pressed to his side, occasionally squeezing his hand or rubbing her thumb across the back of his hand. She’s always been protective, but he knows that she probably worried about him especially right now. After all, she probably feels like she owes him a debt for getting her body back. That’s the only reason she’s staying with him as opposed to the much more enjoyable company farther ahead in the group.

While they make camp, Caleb does his best to stay out of everyone else’s way. He can’t set the alarm spell and everyone’s faces when they realize that makes Caleb want to curl in on himself and vanish. He knows his place in the group, he’s there to do magic, nothing else. They just need his powers. Just like Trent did. Without those he’s useless, just another body to worry about.

Caleb runs his hands over his arms as he sits down on his bedroll, rugging on his sleeves to avoid scratching his arms like Nott has told him off for so many times. He fights to keep Trent’s words out of his ears, but they won’t stay out, they just grow louder and louder with each passing second and each disappointed look one of them gives him. 

_You have no place here._

_Your purpose is to follow instructions, nothing else. Is that clear?_

_You’re nothing without magic so why can’t you be better?_

_You’re weak._

Over and over and over again. The words make his chest ache and his arms itch, but he keeps his face neutral. The others don’t need to see how fucked up he is on the inside. He pulls his spellbook into his lap and stares down at the pages under the guise of reading. But his eyes dig holes into the pages. 

He doesn’t look up until Nott sits down at his side, leaning against him. She doesn’t say anything to him but turns to the rest of the group as they find their bedrolls. “I can take first watch with Caleb.”

Fjord quickly shakes his head, “Caleb needs rest and he won’t be able to shout for us if something happens. You and I can go together.” Nott seems unhappy about it, but she nods. 

He knows it’s true, but the words still tremor through his body, striking a sharp pain in his arms. He’s useless. 

After that he tunes the conversation out, his head filled with stinging words. Eventually, Nott forces a bowl of dinner into his hands and stares at him until he starts to eat. Caleb eats robotically, not really tasting it. When he’s done eating, he reaches for his spellbook again, But Nott grabs it and pulls it out of his reach. 

“You’ve had a long day, Caleb. You should get to sleep.” Unable to protest, Caleb lays down, his back to the rest of the group as he draws his thin blanket over his head. He hears some rustling next to him and then another blanket is thrown on top of him, thicker than the one he has now. He feels Nott kiss the top of his head, “Goodnight.” 

Caleb dreams of darkness. 

It surrounds him on all sides no matter which way he turns. He opens his mouth to call out, but he can’t produce a sound. 

_Speak up, Caleb_. It’s Jester’s voice, though sharper and ruder than he’s ever heard her. He tries to do as she asks but she just can’t.

 _He’s useless_. Fjord.

 _He’s a liability._ Caduceus. 

_I’m sorry, Caleb. It’s for the best_. Nott. Caleb whirls around trying to find her. But he can’t. He tries to shout her name.

 _There’s no point in a wizard without magic_. Beau. 

“Please!” Caleb tries to call out. He can feel his vocal chord straining, but yet they produce no sound. 

_Goodbye, Caleb._ Yasha. 

Caleb falls to his knees screaming silently, tears pouring down his face. He curls in on himself, loneliness and hurt echoing through his chest. He digs his thumbs into his arms, wanting to feel anything else but sadness. 

_Ah, I knew you’d come back_. 

This voice fills Caleb with ice-cold fear, his spine going ramrod straight as he looks all around for him. For Trent. 

_You’ve finally realized that no one needs you. That you’re useless. Well, I already knew that. You have nothing to lose anymore, Bren. Come join me._

Caleb wakes to someone roughly shaking his shoulder. He sits up quickly, nearly knocking heads with Beau who kneels in front of him with a worried expression. His heart is racing, his lungs feel stuck, like they’re too tight to allow any air in. He instinctively opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Sending him to panic even further. 

“Breathe, Caleb,” Beau says. “You’re okay.” He’s not. He can’t fucking breathe. His arms hurt so much, a quick glance down tells him what he already knew, they’re torns up and bleeding. He must have done that in his sleep. He tries to tell Beau as much, but nothing comes out but air. “Caleb, look at me.” He does, knowing Beau will see the fear and panic in his eyes. “You’re safe. It’s just you and me, everyone else is asleep. I need you to copy my breathing so you don’t pass out.” He nods quickly, not wanting to disappoint her. 

She doesn’t touch him but sits close enough that if he wanted to he could reach out to her. He doesn’t. She looks him straight in the eyes and takes a long breath. Caleb struggles to copy her, unable to get his lungs to obey him. 

“Caleb,” Beau’s voice is soft, more gentle than he’s ever heard. “You’re okay. I need you to focus on me. Don’t worry about anything else. Can you give me your hand?” He does. She ignores the blood and puts his hand on the side of her ribs so he can feel them more as she breathes. Beau takes deep breaths, her ribs expanding as she does so. The feeling helps ground Caleb and after a few more minutes, he exhales deeply, finally able to relax. 

He drops his hand from Beau’s side and moves away slightly. He tries to indicate that she can leave, that he’s fine. But she doesn’t.

“Let me look at your arms,” she starts to reach for him, but Caleb pulls his arms close to his chest protectively. She gives him a look, “Really?”

He nods and mouths, “I can take care of them.” 

She seems to understand him and shakes her head. “Caleb, I know you won’t.” He tenses as she reaches out for him again, not completely trusting her. Beau puts her hands out in a non-threatening way. “I’m not going to hurt you, Caleb. I’m just going to wash off your arms and wrap them until the clerics can look at them in the morning.” She’s being gentle with him, more gentle than she usually is. She pities you, she knows how weak you are. 

Caleb wants to refuse, to hide away from her prying eyes, but he can’t. He knows she’ll insist and grow much less patient with him. He slowly offers his arms to her, not seeing any other way for this to end. She reaches for her waterskin and dumps some of it out on a scrap of cloth. Beau’s fingers are surprisingly gentle as she pulls his wrist towards her and starts cleaning off the blood. 

After a moment she starts talking. “I know I’m not very good at showing it, and I’m only telling you this now because you can’t make fun of me, but I really do care about you. Caleb, you’re one of my best friends and it absolutely sucks to see you in pain.” Beau keeps her eyes down on his arms, while Caleb looks at her face apprehensively. “I know you’ve got a lot of fucking demons, hell we all do, but, um, if you ever want to talk, after Jester or Cad heals you, then I want you to know that I’m here for you. We all are.”

Caleb frowns at that, why is she lying to him? 

Beau says nothing more. She finishes taking care of his arms and gives him one last look over. Beau sighs and says, “Get some sleep, Caleb.” 

Beau turns away, back to her watch as Caleb forces himself to lay down and go back to sleep. He pulls the blankets over his head, his knees curled to his chest.

In the morning, Caleb wakes up to Nott curled up against his side, tucked under the same blanket as him. He smiles fondly at her. If Jester or Caduceus’ healing doesn’t work, she’s the one he’ll miss most of all. He lays there quietly for a few more minutes, just basking in the comfort of her solid weight pressed up against him. All too soon he hears the others start to stir. 

He sits up, doing his best not to disturb Nott. “Caleb!” Jester’s shrill voice calls from across the now burned-out fire. She smiles at him as she bounds over, Beau groaning about her amount of energy this early in the morning. “I’m going to try the spell, okay?” 

He nods as Nott wakes up, wiping the sleep from her eyes. She instantly understands what’s about to happen and takes Caleb’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly. Caleb closes his eyes as Jester touches his chest, he can feel her cold fingers through his shirt. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Like before, Caleb feels a pulse of energy through his body, warming him completely. It lasts for a few seconds before Jester pulls away. She opens her eyes, looking at him apprehensively. 

Caleb takes a deep breath. If this doesn’t work…

“Jester.” The words come out scratchy and hoarse, but they come out. Jester’s face splits into a bright smile and she tackles him into a hug. 

“You’re back!” She cheers. Over her shoulder, he sees the rest of the group, smiling as well. When Jester pulls back, Nott immediately draws him into her arms. He sags into her arms, soaking up the comfort she offers. He has his voice, his place here, however tenuous it is, is secure for not at least. 

“Caleb,” Nott pulls back, taking his face in her hands. She looks over his face with motherly concern. “Are you okay?”

“I was afraid you guys would leave me,” he chuckles humorlessly. No one joins in. The concern in Nott’s eyes grows. He can see the other only a few feet away, grow still and the air becomes heavy.

Jester looks at him with sad eyes, “We would never, Caleb.” 

“Why not?” Caleb furrows his brow at her, doesn’t she understand? “What good is a wizard with no voice? I’m useless without my magic.” He looks to Fjord and the rest of the group, waiting for them to second what he says. They don’t.

“You’re not useless,” Nott says.

Fjord kneels down beside them and looks him straight in the eyes. “Caleb, you’re part of this group because we love you and we care about you. We don’t want you here because of your magic, it’s nice. But that’s not the reason we keep you around.” Fjord smiles at him, placing a heavy hand on his shoulder.

Caleb’s eyes flicker up to him, “It’s not?”

“Of course not,” Beau crosses her arms as if daring Caleb to say another awful thing about himself. “Remember what I told you last night?” He nods. “I meant it, man. We’re here for you. We all care about you.”

He looks quickly at all of them, not a single one of them seems to disagree. Caleb looks down at his lap uncomfortably, “I’m sorry.” 

“Why are you sorry?” Nott squeezes his hand.

He drags his other hand down his face, “For being stupid. I-I let my fears get the better of me. I was weak.” 

“You’re not weak,” Caduceus says. “No one here is.”

Caleb shifts uncomfortably under all of their gazes. “Well, um, I think we should get going.”

“No.” Jester looks at him stubbornly, sitting down right next to him. “We love you, Caleb. I love you.” 

He squeezes his eyes shut, “Jester-”

“You’re fucking important to us, man,” Beau agrees. “No one’s leaving, that’s what we agreed, right?” Caleb nods. “So then what the fuck?” 

Caleb looks up at her, “I-I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Beauregard.” 

“Nothing is wrong with you,” Fjord says. “You just have a lot of shit going on up here,” Fjord taps his temple, “we all do. And that’s okay.” Nott squeezes his hand and leans her head on him. “How can we help you believe that?” 

“I don’t know,” Caleb tells them honestly. 

“That’s okay,” Yasha smiles at him gently. “Would a hug help? I’ve been told I give very good hugs.” 

Caleb’s eyes fill with tears. The love he has for this group fills his heart full to the brim of gratitude. He doesn’t know what to say so he just nods. The barbarian’s arms wrap around him tightly, her taller form covering him entirely. He goes stiff for just a second before he allows himself to relax into the embrace. 

Over the next minute or so, he feels the rest of the Nein join the hug, wrapping themselves around him. Someone presses a kiss to the top of his head. He closes his eyes tight, now allowing his tears to fall, and for the first time in what feels like a lifetime, he allows himself to feel completely safe and loved. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated and encouraged!
> 
> Tumblr- @romeoandjulietyouwish


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